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Teenage Boys Up Close


The last chapter in our Men's Health Month 2025 blog series -

Honest reflections on the wounds men carry, and the healing that's possible.



The boys all suddenly sit up straighter, firelight casting shadows across their raised brows as their eyes flick curiously to the man speaking. Wherever their attention was before, it’s here now. 


His voice cracks and his lip quivers as he shares about the confusing and unending grief he still feels from growing up around an alcoholic and abusive father. And of the shame and fear he feels when those same harsh words he received from his father rise in him in moments of anger at his own son. The other men just listen, some nodding in recognition or empathy, some drawn inward, reflecting on their own childhoods as the fire crackles. And all the while, without ‘telling’ the boys anything about what it means to ‘be a man’, the boys are watching and listening.


Seated encircling the 20-or-so teenage boys are 30-or-so men — fathers or male mentors of the boys and staff of the camp — who have come on this rite of passage to support the boys in their journey towards healthy manhood. And, more critically, reflect on what that might even mean in our time. 


This is just one of countless moments I’ve gotten to witness as a lead facilitator on these camps over the past 3 years, when we do something so simple and yet so radical as sit in a circle and share stories. 


It’s not a new idea; it’s old technology, as old as any human culture, and a way of connecting, educating, community building and transferring wisdom which despite our modern and well crafted defences, still finds its way into us. And for men alive right now, it rekindles something I believe is sorely needed in our time — the capacity to deeply listen and feel together, without needing to fix or resolve anything in the moment. 


So in my life and career, I’ve gotten very curious about the journey boys go on into adulthood, and what’s possible when we have access to spaces where we can safely experience this side of ourselves. And how we might piece together a model of masculinity that is generative, life-enhancing and encourages whole-hearted participation in our communities within a culture that, for whatever reason, can’t seem to agree on what it is.


After nearly 10 years of working as a facilitator of preventative mental health and emotional intelligence programs — a large percentage with teenage boys — I’ve seen a lot of boys close up. Thousands at this point, both in classrooms with incredible organisations like The Man Cave, and immersed in the bush - like on these camps with the Rites of Passage Institute. And what I’ve seen both breaks my heart and deeply inspires me. 


In my experience, there are very legitimate things to be concerned about in the common behaviour of teenage boys. The ever-escalating banter that can feel like a powder keg set to explode, the dismissal and objectification of girls, women and other genders, the exclusion of or hostility toward anything feminine in each other unless it’s ironic or leveraged for social clout. 


I don’t for a minute mean to reduce or diminish the concerning aspects of mainstream masculine culture which many boys play into, or the devastating implications of behaviours which too often lead to harm in the lives of people they interact with as they grow. Not to mention their own.


And yet, from the particular up-close view I’ve been granted, I want to speak of the beauty I so often see in boys. How when given an environment where it’s actually safe to put down their armour, even for a moment — or realise for the first time that they’re carrying it — it always moves me to see what naturally comes out of them. What so many partners, mothers or friends are desperate to feel from them, but are often left mystified by its disappearance instead.


See, most boys don’t realise how vigilant they are of each other until the threat is disarmed. I’ve seen teenage boys act like sharks when it comes to displays of ‘weakness’, often not fully aware of how vicious they’re being toward each other in the frenzy of making sure they don’t become the next target. It follows, then, that being the only one disrupting that pattern can feel like such an existential risk, especially when finding security in their peer group is such a developmental imperative at that point. 


But in my experience, all it takes — with no small amount of courage and in an appropriate context — is for someone to go first and flip the ‘weakness’ of being authentic, sensitive or vulnerable on its head by actually doing it, and risking to see how people respond. Then, like a cool spring in the desert, I’ve seen boys brim with compassion, kindness, empathy, emotional literacy, thoughtfulness, respect, curiosity and an innate sense of justice and equity. It’s been enough to move me to tears more times than I can count.


While I take a lot of care to embody the kind of authenticity I hope to encourage from them, that shift has never come from me giving some directive about what they should think or how they should behave. For better or worse, they get enough of that elsewhere. Instead, it has come as a natural consequence of inviting them into an environment which encourages the emergence of courage by showing them it is safe to. Not just by saying it, or implying that I expect them to meet some fresh set of expectations I’ve placed on them. But by being willing to go there myself and meet them in the mess of it, like those men around the fire. 


Why I believe experiences like this are so critical is that they teach boys to feel the impact of their behaviour and choices — both supportive and destructive. Not just through punishment for breaking a rule or being rewarded with a certificate or badge, but by becoming sensitised to their own emotional responses and linking their choices immediately with the impact they have. And by having patient and supportive mentors capable of reflecting back these dynamics with as little judgement as possible, so that they can make sense of things themselves in real time.


In the absence of a clear and nuanced cultural model of how to grow into a man, it seems to me more important than ever that boys are encouraged to calibrate their actions to their own internal sense of rightness and collective good; something which only becomes possible when their choices are guided not just by what they’ve been told is right or good, but by what they can feel is.  


An Irish proverb comes to mind, which I heard quoted by mythologist Michael Meade, that suggests that “before you give a man a sword, teach him to dance.”


To me, this metaphorically points at the importance of helping boys and men learn to deeply feel their world and value its beauty, so they can attune to the inevitable cost of their actions. 


Boys will never get everything right, nor should they be expected to. But hopefully they can be afforded opportunities to see their mark on the world and guided to take responsibility for it without either collapsing or exploding in guilt or shame. Ultimately, I believe boys need to learn to steer their actions from a heart that is tempered by both the immense beauty and harrowing grief that comes with really being here for a human life. 


From my perspective, regardless of where we individually see the roles of men to be within our culture and society, I believe we need ways for boys and men to be whole-heartedly mobilised, proactively and creatively participating in the cultural shifts we need to see across all levels of our society. Not least within our homes. 


To shape a future that embraces the gifts offered by previous generations and disrupts the harmful cycles we’re more and more able to see, I think we need men who are engaged and devoted to becoming good friends, colleagues, fathers, partners and allies because they want to. And I really believe that the seeds for that are already within our boys, waiting for the right conditions to take root and grow.



About the Writer

Mitch Stent is a facilitator, transformational program designer, adolescent rites of passage guide, and adult vision quest guide. 

Currently based in north-east Melbourne.


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LAST DAYS of our Men’s Health Month Special Offer.


We’re offering free therapy sessions for new male clients throughout June at the Community Clinic.


 Register Here today and one of our therapists will be in touch to arrange your session.



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