An excerpt from Tending the Garden of the Heart, by Lee Trew
The following passage is an excerpt from Tending the Garden of the Heart - A 30 Day Journey of Mental and Emotional Self-Care and Healing by Lee Trew from Connection Culture.
If you are interested in learning more, or embarking upon the journey, you can do so here.
... we’re going to focus on something I call ‘Parts of Self’.
The underlying principle here is that, as a mentor of mine said a long time ago:
‘We talk with many voices.’
I had been expressing frustration at myself for being inconsistent in my daily practices.
‘Part of me, is really motivated and willing,’ I said. ‘But another part of me hates the idea of discipline and rebels. I don’t know what’s wrong wth me.’
He replied, with a twinkle in his eye:
‘Lee, you do realise that we talk with many voices?
——
And it’s true, isn’t it?
We often say, ‘One part of me feels like this…. But another part of me feels…’
Or,
‘On the one hand I want X, but on the other hand I want Y.’
We put pressure on ourselves and on each other to be consistent and unified.
‘That’s not what you said the other day.’
‘I thought you told me you wanted to…’
As if we are the same person day after day, year after year.
When nothing could be further from the truth.
The reality is, we change from moment to moment.
Our sense of who we are, what is good for us and what is possible changes all the time.
When we’re coming down with a cold, our whole life sometimes seems overwhelming.
Immediately after an argument, our partner seems an impossible nemesis.
When we feel inspired and energetic, we have a whole different story about who we are and where we’re going, compared to when we feel tired, stressed or unsafe.
We feel different about life in the morning than we do in the afternoon and evening!
Our thoughts and feelings are completely malleable, constantly influenced by our environment.
We even have memories that are specific to different states. When we argue with our partner it’s suddenly easier to remember all the times they’ve been like this and it can feel clear the relationship is dysfunctional, perhaps even untenable.
And when things are going well in the relationship we remember all their redeeming features, every wonderful thing about them comes back to the surface of memory.
——
Rather than a unified, coherent individual, I think humans are more like a ship steered by a whole crew of frequently opposing forces.
Or a stage on which several selves are in the spotlight, talking into the microphone at any one time. While other characters wait offstage, waiting for their cue, often wishing they had more time in the limelight.
——
Why are we like this?
One reason is neuroplasticity.
Our brain can drastically change how electricity flows through the complexity of the neuron maze.
It’s almost like we rewire ourselves for each task. Driving a car, we go into a certain brain state. Talking to a particular friend versus another calls forth different aspects of ourselves.
There’s professional Me. Me that is with old friends. Me with family. Me on holiday. Me stressed. Me refreshed.
All with their own characters, beliefs, stories and even memories linked to those selves.
We see the changes in other people - ‘Oh look, they’re in party mode.’
Or, ‘You've got your grumpy pants on.’
We don’t see the changes in ourselves so easily.
And there’s good reason for this.
One of the main jobs of the ego is to weave together a coherent story of who we are, from the ever-changing maelstrom of varying perspectives.
Think about the moment we wake from a dream.
We emerge from a whole different reality; a sometimes radically bizarre set of beliefs and expectations.
While we were in the dream, our ego said, ‘Yes, sure. I’m naked while everyone is clothed. Okay, that makes sense. Now how do we respond?’
And when we wake up, the ego says, ‘Okay, gotcha. Everything I believed a second ago was false.’ And then immediately believes whatever new reality it’s presented with and starts responding to that instead.
Completely glossing over the cracks in reality, so that we can remain functional.
‘Keep calm and carry on’, says the ego.
Even if carrying on means getting into a vicious argument over an apparently trivial matter.
Or falling into anxiety/rage/joy over words uttered by a stranger on the internet.
It’s crazy when you think about it, but we live like this and rarely stop to question our malleability.
——
Another reason we talk with many voices is trauma.
No one gets to adulthood in our culture without encountering experiences in childhood that were too big, too intense, too distressing to ‘digest’ at the time.
We didn’t know what to do with them, so the nervous system cleverly pushes them down deep into the subconscious, where they become frozen in time.
But they don’t remain frozen in time, because the nervous system would rather find a way to revisit them and put right what once went wrong: process the un-digestable.
And so we find ourselves inextricably drawn to situations that somehow mirror our traumas, our undigested distress.
Relationships that eerily echo the frustrations and pain we experienced with parents, for example.
We might even judge ourselves for it: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ we say.
’I promised myself I was done with this.’
We don’t realise: this is exactly how it’s supposed to happen.
This is the opportunity to respond differently. Perhaps to stand up to an intimidating person, knowing we are no longer a child.
Perhaps to walk away from a bad situation, like we were unable to do in childhood.
Or perhaps to simply feel, and be with the pain. To stay in relationship with ourselves, rather than attacking, abandoning or shaming ourselves.
The inward response necessary to suppress a traumatic event is almost always accompanied by an internal violence. Whether judgement, shame, harsh dismissal or self-rejection.
The experience is often of having to smother, shun or excommunicate a part of ourselves.
And when it resurfaces, the impulse is often to do the same.
But the opportunity, the invitation is to find another way to respond.
To change and heal our relationship to that part of ourself.
This article continues in Day 8, Tending the Garden of the Heart - We Speak with Many Voices. If you would like to keep reading or embark upon the 30 day journey, you can do so here.
The journey consists of a daily email from Lee Trew that is an invitation to self-care, self-tending, with a carefully chosen practice to do. (There’s even an audio version to listen to).
It takes about 30min a day (sometimes less) and each practise is an invitation, not an obligation. Over the month you will go on a journey - one that you may be challenged by, grow from and even be nourished by.
AND
If this article stirs motivation to change or heal any of your internal relationships to your 'parts of self' feel free to book in to our Community Clinic. All our therapists have been trained by Lee and are able to recognise and work with this kind of material.
There are many ways to heal, just like there are many voices, and therapy looks different for everyone. A therapy session often brings awareness to what can be our different pathways of healing, and, can be life-changing.
Comments