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Circle of Shame

Writer's picture: Michelle McCoskerMichelle McCosker

Updated: Oct 22, 2024



Below is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote after I was part of a Women's circle in 2019.


The topic was SHAME.


2019... pre covid, pre bushfires... it was 'Me Too' that was gaining traction...


A lot of women spoke of the experience of shame as being the shape of what was left after a violation, a separation, of some kind.


A pain, not recognised collectively as pain. Hidden pain. And so, a disconnect. A wound.


The word shame, to me, is an abbreviation of 'shadow-me'. The parts of self that live in shadow, scared to come out for fear of ridicule or harm of some kind. Or for fear of destabilising a fragile self-identity.


I post this little piece as a testament to the power of witnessing.


I recently heard John Seed say, "when despair is spoken into a witnessed space, empowerment is just the natural state that is left".


There is a REAL alchemy of healing here. Transformative.


But it takes courage. SO much courage.


A willingness to feel uncomfortable. To stop running, hiding, escaping, blaming, making excuses. A willingness to sit in the circle of shame.


The beautiful silver lining though, is the guarantee of healing. The absolute given of a shift in awareness that is a new sense of self. A new powerful identity. A feeling that one little piece of pain has been transmuted, digested. Done.


The circle of shame, really, is just a fire that burns up the shame altogether.


Malcolm Ringwalt calls it 'sitting in the fire'.


And what a gift we can give ourselves.


And not just ourselves... we gift it to our ancestors and our children.


For our ancestors we burn what it was they were not able to, and so they passed it to us in the hope that it could. A golden gift of healing, waiting for the fire.


For our children, we offer them a legacy of some work already done. Some new seeds of healing planted - an acceptance of a new way. They inherit the beginnings of a connected culture.


Witnessing is something that is offered in the safe, held therapy space.


The term Psychotherapist actually means 'soul-friend'.


If you are ready to begin to embrace your own circle of shame, and gift yourself acceptance and transformation, book in with any one of our open hearted therapists.


Your journey of healing does not need to be done alone. It can be done with the exquisite focus and attention of a trusted soul friend.


Witnessing is crucial as we are relational mammals, in need of each others awareness... not just our own.


Witnessing is more powerful than we can really know.



 



Shame


Is darkness, disempowerment, exile, disconnection, cutting off ones ability and right to self-respect.  A hidden pain.


Aborting the birthright.


Supported and perpetuated by judgement, rejection, aggression, morality and even integrity.


The secrecy of a good reputation.


To shine a light on shame - is to draw it out of darkness - to speak it into a witnessed space.


Alchemy occurs.


It is no longer shame. 


I believe dadirri or deep listening is the medicinal practice of our time.


To listen to our hearts, each other and to listen to the earth.


To listen and witness.


This is where the healing of shame occurs - when it is spoken into a held space of love. 


Any one's shame is all of our shame. 


I have felt empowerment when responsibility of boundary-crossing has been owned by the owners.


I spoke, and in my wobbly imperfect voice, was my refusal to hold their shadow anymore.


The strong ones agreed and said, "Yes. I did that". A risky and uncomfortable vulnerability. Rare and profound. 


Their ownership requested forgiveness. A whole new process.


All of a sudden, the inside was on the outside, and I was me again.


The power I felt was the me I had always been.


I have spoken my shame into a circle and the witnessing caused the shame to flip... into pain.


A shared pain.


And I felt the pain crack open the channels of compassion.... was it in me? Was it coming from the women around me? Was it real or imagined?


Either way, it was compassion.


Compassion was poured into my halls of shame and healing began to occur. 


Here is the gift we can give our earth.


To deeply listen. To witness her grief, shame and pain.


To know that we are expressions of her, processing in real time.


To believe in her, that she can heal.


To let her pain open our hearts and pour compassion upon her. 


To offer deep listening to all who carry shame.


And let the alchemy happen. The magic happen. The healing happen.


Love.




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