I wrote this piece in response to my own experience of personal challenge, and am sharing it in the hope it may speak to others amid challenge, or overwhelm.
This quote came across my path and really spoke to me at a poignant time, when it felt like things in my life were falling apart…
“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
Pema Chödrön
When things in our life feel like they’re falling apart, it is not an indication that there is anything 'wrong' with us, or that we have done anything wrong.
There is a story of the two arrows, which helped me in understanding my experience and have self-compassion when I was in the depth of my personal challenge. The first arrow is a difficult situation or experience that is happening or happened to us. And then there is the second arrow, or arrows, which are the internal layers of meaning we make on top of our experience. The ‘what if’s’, the ‘should’s’ and ‘should not’s’.… When it can become not just about the first arrow.
Often, we have a second arrow aimed at ourselves which is our internal response to the challenge or personal circumstances we are facing. A second arrow might be the way we judge ourselves, ruminate, or have unhelpful stories running on thought-loops, about ourselves. Blaming or judging ourselves for what’s ‘gone wrong’. Or perhaps we blame others, making harsh meanings as to why this, or that, would happen.
Experiencing life’s challenges and perhaps coming face-to-face with some of our deepest fears or insecurities is hard. Often we find bundles of emotional pain and mental turmoil.
However, in the midst of the storm and its intensity, perhaps we can find some ways to befriend ourselves. To ‘be with’ the whole of our experience and not cling too tightly to our perceived 'good’ or ‘desirable’ parts. I wondered, am I allowing space for all parts of me?
I gradually began to see how I could allow space for parts of me that were in disbelief, that felt shame, and that were trying to hold back grief.
What might happen if we say ‘hello’ and ‘welcome’ to all our various parts? Including the messy and confused parts. What if we allow ourselves to be exactly as we are? Our whole authentic self?
When we are struggling or life is difficult, can we allow space for our internal process in response to what we are experiencing? Maybe we can, and maybe we can’t. This is certainly something I have struggled with. I have learned that if, at some point, I can allow space, this can make room for all of life to happen.
Our human tendency can have us try to push ourselves into certain shapes or ways of being, where we define ourselves by what we want, or who we think we are. Holding an image in mind, perhaps rigidly, of the plans we had, or ideas we held about our future.
Having back surgery a few weeks ago, was far from what I would have wished for. But, considering everything, I came to feel that it was the decision I needed to make. As a yoga teacher, I think it was especially hard to face. I never thought I’d have a back issue with chronic pain… yet it has been a major challenge for me all this past year, and it was building for some months before that too.
I’d never had a structural issue in my body that had limited my physical capacity before. In facing this issue, I didn’t find any easy answers, or any easy solutions, and I have struggled to accept this as my reality. Despite my efforts through yoga, osteopathy, physiotherapy, psychotherapy, emotional processing, pain management, meditation, rest and surrendering, my physical issue did not resolve.
Natural and holistic health is a big part of my life and work, and having back surgery was pretty much my biggest fear. It’s been a huge journey!
One of the best things about the journey so far has been letting go of a lot of things along the way, lightening my load. I have (at least partially) let go of these things I no longer need:
- ‘striving’ and internalised pressure to carry on as usual,
- the illusion of yoga as an immunity to development of such an issue,
- and with that, letting go of an illusion of youthfulness,
- fears of a lack of capacity,
- fears of needing to receive help that I don’t want (ie. surgery).
Essentially, I have let go of the idea of who I ‘should’ be, the ideal me, to be more ‘real’ and more authentically me. In opening up to the whole of my experience, I witnessed myself clinging to my ideal self-image and some of my illusions, and in so doing I began to make space for all of the parts of me.
I’ve been feeling all of the emotions that I’ve felt safe enough to feel, in my body. In the process, (which has not been easy) I have found some peace, self-acceptance and self-trust there, and in life. I have eventually come to a place of trust in my path. Even when this is not a path I would have chosen. It has been humbling.
My particular experience of this issue has raised undigested distress from my past, as well as more recent stress and difficult emotions held in my body and sub-conscious. Ready to be re-visited, felt, seen and heard. I have seen my story, the narrative of my experience, and how it’s shown up in my body. In my experience of chronic pain, I now relate to many who have, or still do, struggle physically, even though I know everyone’s experience will be different.
When I began to make space for all of it, I found deep within, a trust that surgery was the help I needed in order to heal. I reminded myself of this trust over and over, alongside my mental questioning, ‘what if the decision to go-ahead with surgery is a mistake or is unnecessary?’ I am continuing to lean into trust. Both in life, and in my path.
Life is showing me, again, that cycles and seasons of hardship or struggle, come and go. As well as experiencing plenty of struggle and resistance, I have leaned into ‘spirit’.
I know now that this physical issue I am experiencing is not a failing on my part or an indication that I did something 'wrong', something that might have created the issue. I have a new perspective, and see my experience as an unfolding of a process, of understanding who I really am, more and more.
I have asked myself many questions, one of the hardest has been who am I without my usual physical capacity?
I am so grateful to those who’ve held me up and helped me to see more clearly, when I’ve needed it. My community of family, friends, therapists and health professionals, and a wider community too, have been there for me. This has given me the strength, guidance and trust that I’ve needed.
I choose to see where I’ve learned and grown amid where I’ve struggled. I am so grateful for the wisdom of yoga, mindfulness and psychotherapy for all I’ve learned.
Learnings that have helped me to navigate this experience as well as I have - mentally and emotionally - when I’ve not been able to get better physically, without the help of the medical profession.
And, I believe that the healing has come from letting there be room for all of life to happen. All of life including the turmoil, struggle and fear, as well as acceptance, surrender, receiving help, and a growing trust.
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